Thursday, July 21, 2005

Believe in yourself !

Add on - people being executed - friends. Your case just drags on and on. And it becomes on hell of a mental struggle. You question when is my turn ?

Those guys taught me to survive these things. They showed me where to begin. I remember one guy told me ! Believe in yourself ! And never give up ! It doesn´t matter if no one else does. That´s something no one can take from you. What you know and believe inside. That´s true. Whatever you`re inside or outside. Maybe so here !

Here´s a funny thing for you.

I was on Death Row 6 months before it dawned on me. I´m one of them. Till then I lived with the illusion - I don´t belong here. I´m not like them - not one of them. I was all along ! It just didn´t hit home till 6 months later. It doesn´t matter why they were there. Or if they were innocent or guilty. Nor if I was. Innocent or guilty - we had all been convicted of 1st Degree Murder. I was as they - just one of the men of Death Row.

You guys who read the earlier writings ( already have an idea of my life here. You know I´ve been here over 28 years. Thought I would show you where it began.

Some of the reasons why I am who I am today.
Maybe say thanks to those who helped me learn to survive. Most are no longer alive. But, I still pay back what they gave me when I can. Help a new arrival learn to survive. Help others when I can. This 28 years+ has been one hell of a path to travel along. And I wonder if - back in 1977 - someone had said - you may have to do 25 or more years. Would I have believed it ? Would I still have chosen to go through it.
And I think of what he said in the "Green Mile": Am I lucky or am I cursed ? I tell you - I just don´t know. Will it be worth it ? I guess I have to wait and see how it ends !

But I do have a little good news !

In 2005 I had an evidentiary hearing. In that hearing the judge ruled - all my issues were procedurally barred. So we appealed to the State Supreme Court. And in less than 2 months after oral arguments, the State Supreme Court ruled - none of my issues were procedurally barred. They ordered a new hearing on all issues. We have some very good - strong issues. So, I have a chance - maybe to win a new trial. Of course they could screw me over again. So, I take the attitude of wait and see what comes.

I will not let my hopes get up. I´ll do what I´ve always done. I´ll maintain my day to day philosophy. Live one day at a time. Enjoy what good comes my way in that day ! Hell if I win - I can celebrate then. If I lose. I can keep on doing what I´m doing ! Surviving !


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