Friday, October 01, 2004

Death Warrant - Thoughts and Nightmares

My eyes were beginning to open to issues and life. But, only slightly. I was busy with surviving day to day life. And as I said avoiding the thought of being executes as much as possible.

At the same time aware - because, it was all around me. When we would go to the old R-Wing exercise yard. The far end of the yard was right up against Q-Wing. Where the chair was. They use to leave the curtains - shades open- you could see into the Death Chamber. I suspect they did this on purpose. I looked in a few times. Always sent a chill through me - but, I shook it off - went back to play ball.

Of course we use to protest executions rather vocally. Even some fires started in the hallways at times. It was a somewhat more hostile environment in those days. But, those were in protest of others. Not mine.

I had a couple of dreams of it also. Setting in the chair. Well I guess you would call them nightmares. Wake up - I´d push it aside. Get busy, put on the head phones or exercise - watch T.V. till thought went away.

But now, I had to face it straight up. Yeah, it frightened me. But, I decided - time to face it. I did. I thought about it. How would I face it - could I, in a way that had some dignity to it.

Or did dignity really matter. Would I fight them - or walk to it. I decided it didn´t matter do the best you can when the time comes. If you fight it will still happen - you might get hurt pretty bad - but that wouldn´t matter either. Because, not long after it would end. If you walk down on your own - dignity - does that count.

Dignity is a self thing. I knew too there were groups then. Though I did not known any one personally - had no contact with them. I was aware - that it would or could make their case stronger to oppose the Death Penalty - how I choose to behave. But, I pushed that aside - with - they will understand I did it how I could.


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